Voted "most likely to suck up for awards" in high school

First, sorry I've been out of the bloggy world for a little while and I swear I am going to try and catch up on posts and comments...but that pesky thing called "life" keeps getting in my way. Oddly enough I have discovered that if all I do when I get home from work is swill back red wine, smoke cloves, gossip on the phone with my sister, and blog...well, the laundry doesn't do itself, groceries do not magically regenerate themselves in the pantry, and the cats still need to be let out...otherwise you end up with BAD cat incidents involving the bathtub.  I'll just  leave it at that, but for all those Helpful Heloise fans out there, here's one for you: clorox and comet are a GREAT combo for removing all possible traces of kitty shit from your bathtub.  

So, anywhoo...imagine my utter glee at returning from a week of domestic "bliss" to find I got tagged for this:

by one of my favorite little bloggers, Joanie over at her Random Ramblings! (you MUST check her out, she is a doll...with a wicked sense of humor and the ability to curse in context...or at least those are two things I look for in my inner-circle crowd).  So, I am totally pumped! THANKS!!!! I mean, it has pretty colors, a girly-girl butterfly and refers to me as "the coolest"--what more could I ask for...well, other than like some cookies, a refill on the ole wine glass and maybe Ed Harris gift-wrapped in a bow on my front porch. But, then, that's another blog...

So, as required by bloggy law, I'm passing this awesome award on to five of my favorites...check them out...they rock:

1. Life With Kids is Never Boring is one of my favorites and for some odd reason she seems almost undiscovered. Which I totally don't get because she cracks me up and makes me spew wine out of my nose on a pretty routine basis. Really, you have to swing by her blog. 

2.  Simplicity over at Chasing Wentworth Miller is awesome, sweet and inspiring...yet still funny. Love her...just love her. 

3.  If you haven't already found Braja over at Lost and Found in India then go there...now.  I'll wait... She already has such a well-deserved following that I can't actually believe I'd have to direct anyone to her, but seriously--if the karmic forces haven't already led you to this lady then they are pushing you there now...you'll thank me for it later!

4.  Frogs in my Formula is also somewhere you simply MUST go (I sound like a travel brochure). But really, her tales from Mullettville are hilarious AND she is the genius behind the Snuggie give away. Uh huh...how bad ass is that?

and last, but not least...

5.  IB over at Idiot's Stew...and not just because he is a dude and I'm filling my obligatory equality quotient. He rocks...and hits on my sister via the internet..so, there's that :) Plus, I'm like triple dog daring him to post the girl-girl butterfly...

So, enjoy these gals and guy!  Peace out--the man is calling me to dinner...

 

Beware...ninja monkeys!

I often take Lola the WonderCorgi on fun little trips to the local pet store...she gets to meet (read: sniff the ass of) other dogs, watch the little fishies swim in the tanks, gawk at the ferrets and parrots and get free treats...so she is all for it.  Plus she LOVES to ride in the car and this way we both get out for a bit. 

So, the other day we went for our little jaunt to the pet store and in the midst of doggie-heaven Lola cam face-to-face with her arch nemesis...

NINJA MONKEY!!!

Ninja Monkey was actually one of Lola's first puppy toys and after a prolonged love-hate relationship she essentially tore his eyes off, ripped his hair off, took out his squeaker and stuffing and then slowly tore off all of his limbs one by one. The last time I actually saw "Ninja Monkey" he was reduced to a lone arm that she carried around in the backyard.  I assumed she buried the evidence and he was never heard from again...until last week when we happened upon a whole basket full of them on "clearance" at the pet store.  Really, how could I resist?

So, I brought home Ninja Monkey II...carefully hidden from Lola in a bag...until the other night when he sprang on her as she innocently slept on the couch!

At first she seemed shocked...disoriented even...Most likely wondering how he had returned from the grave to continue his torment...Then she snapped too and the viscious battle began!

At first, he tried to escape, but she had a pretty solid hold on him...the next thing I knew the hair pulling had begun...Girl, fight! Girl fight!

Then, this morning I found this...

I'm sure I will start finding "mysterious mounds" of fresh dirt in the backyard soon...

Disclaimer..this blog spanned a 3 day period that included the use of Nyquil...

Damn, I just spilled red wine on my white shirt.  This like always happens when I wear white...I spill either wine or barbecue sauce on myself.

[Fast forward like 3 days...]

Ok, that was what I wrote to start my "Inauguration Day" blog and then just before I got into all the good, juicy parts I heard my Honey yell those magic words..."Dinner's ready!"  Yah, so I forgot all about the spilled wine and blog and ran like a mad (and hungry) woman into the living room to enjoy some seriously good steak, potatoes and American Idol! Really...what could be more American than that? Then I had very good intentions of finishing the original blog the following night, but started having an uprising of sinus issues (again!!!) and just stayed on the couch, you guessed it, watching more American Idol.  And what is it with my freakin' sinuses anyway? Do I really even need them? Are they like the gall bladder and appendix and just "optional" accessories I came with whose sole purpose is to cause pain and discomfort?

So, last night I decided to wage official war on the pesky cavities inhabiting my head and got some Dayquil/Nyquil ultra-super-rip-them-outta-your-head sinus meds.  So, I got home from the store at like 6:30-ish and decided to go ahead and take the night-time Nyquil sinus pills. That was really about the last thing I remember. Do those things have street value? Because seriously, I was looped. And I mean that in the true nature of the word--within like 30 minutes I was totally loopy lying on the couch and trying to keep at least one eye open to watch The Office. Apparently it was more entertaining to watch me trying to watch The Office because Matt kept laughing at my medically-induced state. I vaguely recall him telling me I needed to go on to the bed while I could still walk...I assume I made it there because that is where I woke up this morning...12 hours later...with no real memory of the night before.  I feel a ton better today, but am not real crazy about the "loopiness" feelings of the night before.  Apparently Nyquil sinus meds have more of an effect on me than Lortab or, say, GHB.  

Anywho...today was a typical work day and I made it through with no harsh side effects from last night. So, now I am trying to finish this infernal blog of three days ago. Although, I have discovered upon my arrival home that I am out of wine. Wtf? I mean, there is no wine in my house. [sigh] So, I have reverted to a concoction of Peach Absolute mixed with my raspberry Crystal Light...it's like I'm back in college! 

Ok, so on Inauguration Day my original blog was going to focus in (shocker) the whole new President deal.  I was going to go on about how although I was not an Obama supporter that I still respect and pray for the Office of President and was going to make some somewhat snide and philosophical comments about how the Powers that Be at my office had declared it like a national holiday and catered in a full lunch (barbecue, which I actually did not spill on my white shirt...hence the obligatory red wine spill later in the night) and allowed every employee to take a triple long lunch to watch the events on t.v. because my office is completely run by Democrats who are in freakin' hog heaven right now. But, I'm kind of over it now.  I mean, every t.v network on the planet is not over it yet, so I've been forced to resort to watching VH1 in the morning instead of my normal Today Show, but I get it.  

And before I start getting all the hate comments and the "why don't you like him? what is your problem? are you the devil?" comments let me just say this...I don't like or dislike the man--I don't know him, so I have no personal feelings towards him either way, and he seems like a nice guy on a personal level from what I can glean from the liberally-run press.  Plus, he's getting his kids a puppy, so he doesn't rank high on my "bad guy" list. So, don't freak out on me...I'm not a "hater." Besides, I don't think the office of President should be based solely on "likeability"--I mean, I really like Alice Cooper and the guy at the corner store who sells me my clove cigs...but that doesn't mean I think either should be President. Although, come to think of it, Cooper is like a genius and has managed his money much better than most of our politicians...but anyway. 

And, for those of you who have already pictured me wearing a white hood with fashionably cut eye slits, I am not a racist. I'm a freakin' civil rights lawyer for crying out loud and on a daily basis I sue companies and people for being bigots and try and rectify the discriminatory wrongs in our society. I totally get the racial significance of this election and I am beyond ecstatic that that barrier has been broken. I get it. More than most, probably.  

However, what I don't get is people (of all races) who think that a new President (whether Obama or someone else) is going to single-handedly, overnight make our lives "perfect."  I mean, I have seen and heard people literally say that now that Obama is in office that they won't have to worry about their bills, or taxes, or anything in life from here on out.  That, I don't get. I mean, it's been like 3 days now and I still have to go to work in the morning, I still have to pay my mortgage, and my sinus problems have not been miraculously healed. Nor do I have a new pony or Mercedes Benz parked outside. I'm all for "change" as long as it is for the better and is realistic.  Reality, it seems, has been pushed to the side for the moment by many. 

Ok, well I got a little more "soap-boxy" than I had intended.  But that is my two bits, for what they are worth. I do hope, and pray, that the new President along with Congress and the Courts can come together and help our country in this time when we desperately need it. Do I think it will happen overnight (or even in one term) at the single hands of one man? No. Do I hope that the American people and their leaders can realistically work towards common goals to get us back on the right track? Yes.  As part of this vision do I hope that people will stop ogling me like I am three headed leper when I say I didn't vote for Obama? Yes...more than you know.

Apparently only I and like 5 other people on the planet didn't support him in the election. Now, we all know that isn't true, but it feels that way these days.  I'm just saying, we live in a free country where people have and vote for their own independent beliefs and none of us (right, left or independent) should be chastised for exercising that right.  So, while I don't agree with all of his politics (or those of his party--and I won't get into that her because I am not trying to force my views and beliefs on anyone) I do accept and respect the fact that we have a Democratic President in office. I'm not throwing a barbecue party over it, but I accept the change and hope it is a wake up call for the conservative base to get back to the roots of their party instead of the mess that has been the past 4-5 years. 

Whew! That really built up over the past 3 days! :)  So, peace and love to all! I'm about to go enjoy some cheesy Mexican food with much salsa and perhaps a margarita or two...with salt...

Long live America and God Bless our freedoms! 

The crazier they are, the harder they fall...

Ok, so if you read my bloggy rantings then you know that the past couple of weeks have, um...well sucked. Between the infernal sinus infection and the crazy-ass boss issues, I've been pretty much skating by with the help of sinus meds, prayer, good friends and the power of the Snuggie :)  So, I want to thank everyone for putting up with my seemingly endless whining and for all the words of encouragement--they were greatly appreciated.  Hopefully all of this stress and insanity is about to wind down.

So, here's an update--things are looking up. Way up!  I finally got over the sinus thing (well about 98% over....I keep sniffling randomly throughout the day, but I can breathe and I no longer feel like my eyes are going to burst from my skull in a shower of flames and sparks--so I consider that a recovery).  

And SO much has been going on with my work situation but for so many reasons (ethical and personal) I really can't get into all the details. (Although I would LOVE to because truth is always stranger than fiction and you just can't even make up some of the crazy shit that has been going down this week--I could get a Lifetime mini-series deal for sure).  I will say that after the Courthouse showdown of a week ago, as mentioned here, I took some pretty risky and assertive actions and I am no longer working for LaPrincessa and I have been elevated to the status of "independent" in my firm which is a pretty big deal in the world of law firm politics.  So now I am responsible for me and answer to me--I'm pretty stoked about this.  And over the past 3 days I have had more really great cases come my way than I have in the past 3 months.  I kind of feel like it's the Man Upstairs reassuring me that I have done the right thing. And I am actually excited about my job again, which is a great feeling.  For the past several months, things have been so tense and bizarre that I've caught myself just kind of going through the motions...which is not like me at all.  So, I am feeling more like myself than ever! Emancipation is a great thing!

As for LaPrincessa, her world has kind of changed in several major ways--most notably she no longer has me around to do all of her work for her and she is now on her own, as well.  To say she took the news badly would be a HUGE understatement....although I don't really know what she expected to happen after she "fired" me last week.  This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my professional life, because as nutty as she is and as badly as she treats those around her, I have worked for her for going on 8 years now and I do care about her alot--especially since I have witnessed the "decline" and know that she needs help. But I had to take action to remove myself from what was becoming an abusive and very unfulfilling position.  One day, I hope she can see that everything I have done I have done because of how much I care about her.  For now, she is still in denial about her life and actions.  Yet, just this week she has voiced thoughts which would make any therapist more than concerned.  My true hope is that out of all this drama that enough people have been alerted to her situation that she will end up getting the help that she needs.  I'm still praying for her.

So, last night Matt and I met up with my sister and her hubby, and Lu and her hubby and we all just hung out, had dinner, many glasses of wine and chilled out.  It was great and exactly what I needed after the past few weeks.  We laughed, goofed off and just enjoyed an evening of friendship.  I really am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. So far today I've taken Lola for her puppy walk (since it was finally above 20 degrees, I broke down and took her out) and now Matt's gone to get the kiddos for the afternoon.  Life is good. :)

Fever? What fever?

I am beginning to come out of my sinus-pressured, sore throat and pulsing headache Hell that has been the bane of my existence over the past, oh, 5 days or so.  It was one of those weeks that didn't "allow" me to stop, rest and mend so I got by on sheer will power, caffeine and cookies until I knew I could crash this weekend. And did I ever crash! The arrival of the Snuggie was not mere coincidence, my friends, it was a life line sent straight from Heaven (or Mullettville...whichever I am closest to these days).  I had thought about just moving back to the bed from the couch in an effort to make sure I didn't "over do" my apparent detour to the road of recovery, but when I caught myself actually picking up a collection of crusty snot-rags from the bedroom floor to throw them away...well, I knew then that I was well enough to drag my ass to the computer and check in with Blog world!

But, as with all experiences, I have learned somethings over the past 48 hours of grogginess, unwashed hair, and snot-rag companions...and I thought I'd share them with you! (I know...can you believe your fucking luck?)  

First, the karmic law held true and on the one weekend when I am sick as a dog and plan to do nothing more than lie on the bed/couch/Snuggie nearest me and watch mindless t.v. all day while my body exorcised the sinus demons within, there is not shit to watch on t.v.  Seriously. Not shit.  I mean. c'mon! I'm not asking for a Johnny Depp marathon...or even an Ed Harris/Hugh Jackman Naked Wrestling match...but really?  I swear by all that is Holy that when the BEST thing I can find to watch is the fucking Empire Strikes Back?  

So, I spent most of my weekend watching things like:

Boogeyman 2 (I had no idea there was a Part 1 and I pray there isn't a Part 3), 

COPS vintage 1989 in Florida where the mullet is King (this was actually my highlight of the day), 

Pride and fuckin' Prejudice (I HATE Jane Austen and Keira Knightley ain't high on my list either...someone give that girl a Twinkie for crying out loud), 

and Traci Lords in some weird Sci-Fi flick called Crazy 8's (yet her acting was better than Keira's...so whatever).

Does it say something about me that I enjoyed a horridly done slasher flick starring Traci Lords more than an Oscar nominee anorexic in a classic English drama? Probably... So, I learned that I have low brow taste...but then, I kind of new that already. BUT I did learn from my t.v. watching some helpful tips! (1) Don't ever check yourself into a psych ward where there is inexplicably no cell phone reception AND the head Doctor looks eerily like the actor that played Freddy Kruger. (2) If you are an underage cracked out hooker in Florida, don't work on the main federal highways...apparently that is worse, somehow... (3) I am SO glad that the 1980's hair trends are gone. (4) Someone needs to give Keira Knightly a Twinkie...like fucking now...deep fried...with a side of ham. (5) I am SO glad the early 19th century style of corsets and tiny breasts are gone. (6) Traci Lords CAN appear on television without being a slut/hooker/naked. (7) If one of your childhood friends dies and in his will asks that a group of your childhood friends drive out to some abandoned farm to go through stuff in an old, dusty trunk--DON'T...be the one "bad" friend that is just "too busy" and can't make it due to your oh-so-hectic life...trust me on this one. 

Also, I learned that a girl CAN, in fact, survive off of raspberry Crystal Light, Tylenol super-duper-extreme-"dear God make it end" Sinus meds, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.  Of course, as of this evening my tongue has started feeling kind of odd...but I'm blaming that on the overdose of Crystal Light...I'm sure it can't be the cookies.  

I have learned that the Snuggie sleeves just kind of get in my way...as in, each time I tried to reach for something (remote control, cookie, snot rag...) I ended up knocking crap over or spilling things all over the place.  I'm not sure if this is because I am just naturally retarded, because of my sinus med induced state, or if because the Snuggie sleeves are designed for somebody with a 87 inch reach...but I finally gave up on actually using the sleeves and now use the Snuggie as a blanket...with bizarre appendages.  Also, Lola LOVES the Snuggie and sticks her muzzle in the non-used sleeve.  So, it all works out...maybe the Snuggie people should add a dog-muzzle-warmer scene to the oh-so-awesome t.v. ad they have out :)

Finally, I have learned that thermometers lie.  All last night and most of today I kept feeling incredibly hot (as in sweaty and gross, not as in "my milkshake brings the boys to the yard") and then I'd be freezing. hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. This resulted in lots of blanket and Snuggie tossing and rearranging. Yet the thermometer kept showing that my temperature was near normal. WTF??? I finally kind of evened out...or so I thought anyway.  So, this afternoon I'm on the couch (I was SO freakin' proud when I managed to wander out of the bedroom and onto the couch!) and feeling ok temperature-wise and I comment to Matt that I think my fever finally broke.  He looks at me as if I am crazy...then I look closer and notice for the first time (most likely because while lying in bed I never really looked up from my cocoon to seriously scope him out) he is wearing a toboggan...and a fleece pullover...and his boots.  He feels my forehead and says "No, Sweetie. It's freezing in here and you are still warm."  Apparently due to my tossing and turning last night he had turned or thermostat down to like 52...and it's like in the 30's or 40's outside...and while he was all bundled up for an Arctic trek, I was "just fine" sitting around in my cotton p.j. shorts and Crystal Light-stain-colored t-shirt.  Yah.  Somewhere tonight in the middle of Han Solo and Leia swapping pointed jabs with each other I was suddenly FREEZING and realized my fever had truly broken. Yay!

So, now I'm returning to the world of the living and plan to head back to the office tomorrow...when I am sure there will be like a 12 hour marathon of back-to-back Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp and Dennis Quaid movies played without interruption. 

The coolest kid you know...

Yah...that would be me...and my awesome, kick-ass new Snuggie! Word, yo! And I owe all this uber-classiness to

Frogs in My Formula

who bestowed upon me like the bestest, bloggy random prize ev-ah!  Ok, so as promised...here is my Obi-Wan dedication picture complete with a "frog" umbrella/light saber (I thought the frog was appropriate considering the source of  my Jedi robe and powers...)  

And I just have to say...it really is hard to impress upon you how HUGE this thing is...(that's what she said...heeheehee)  Anyway, seriously...I am like swimming in it and it took me awhile to manage to get my arms out of the sleeves. But it did fit my 6' 5" friend Kevin like perfectly.   I haven't actually had the chance to hunker down and "snuggle" in it to see if all the bright and shiny commercial promises hold true (oooo...the anticipation) but am about to do so as soon as I get off this thing and begin to wind down from a truly stress-tastic week.  Hence, the Ode to Scarlett pose...."as God is my witness, I will not work for Crazy any more!"

That tired, stressed-out, desperate and somewhat lost expression on my face? Totally natural as a result of this week, the highlights of which include:

1.  Me trying to have a truly concerned pre-intervention with CT (see prior posts for some insight on this...like, oh, this one)...

2. CT cussing me like a dog and then FIRING me...

3. Me running out of a courtroom bawling like a baby and in near hysterics...

4. CT apparently "forgetting" she fired me...

5.  Being continually abused til, oh, about 4:30 pm... 

6. The Federal Marshalls at the court house very nicely "keeping an eye on me" in all my distress (I think it was like a mandatory suicide watch thing...or just the way grown men respond to a girl in tears...)

5.  Me refusing to ride back the hour and a half home from Court with CT 

6.  Much wine and cloves at the sister's house and

7.  Matt coming to rescue me and take me home.

Ah, yes...a nice, relaxing day on the job.  So, let's just say the Powers that Be are apparently moving forward with the intervention-like plan they already had and after this week I am down with it...totally.

So, in closing..."Good Evening!" Peace out! Snuggie out! Wine on!

Wake me up when it's 2009...

So, it's 2009 and here I sit with a clove to the left of me, left over champagne to the right...here I am!

I was going to do one of those review of 2008 things, but really...I'm just happy and blessed so it was all good. I thought about resolutions, but they started out like...

1.  Refrain from honking horn at stupid people in traffic

2.  Cut back on passive aggressive "sighing"

3.  Less eye rolling

4.  Stop cursing...so much...loudly...

So, I decided to scrap that and stick to things I can actually accomplish...it will make me feel better and that's what I'm all about these days.  I think my best New Year's Eve resolution ever was the one I made 2 years ago as we ushered in 2007.  After a year of mayhem, heart break, loss, and general "ick" I made the oh-so-wise resolution to "Do what makes me happy."  It was the best resolution I ever made and resulted in me actually exercising, finding Matt--a man who accepts me and loves me for me and all of my weird quirks and faults (yay!!!!), becoming Mom to Lola the Wonder Corgi, and getting my tattoo.  So, yah...it worked for me.  So, I'm going with that one again...to do what makes me happy. And, passive-aggressive sighing makes me happy...or at least it works for me in the moment, so I'm not giving that up yet. And cursing? Really...it's an art form and after years of practice I think I have mastered it, so I'm not cutting that out either. 

However, with 2009 I have learned that I am now officially "old".  For the first time, like ever, I did not stay awake til midnight on New Year's Eve.  This year Matt and I opted for a quiet Eve at home...with my recent stresses at the jobby-job (see previous post) and Matt's recovery from his break-in, we just decided to stay home instead of the usual party route.  So, we went and had cheesey Mexican food (in every sense of the word), came home, had a glass of champagne and curled up in bed to watch the Sci-Fi Twilight Zone marathon...really, what is more festive than that, I ask you?  But, I apparently had reached my limit of holiday cheer and at 11:30 Matt woke me up to wish me a happy New Year (and, I suspect, to remove my sleepy, drooly self from his chest to my pillow) and I went right back to sleep.  Hurrah 2009!

Today I took Lola-doodle for her morning walk (which she now INSISTS on in a rather aggressive way...), assaulted myself with the treadmill, and after emerging from an extra long, extra hot shower full of all my recent Christmas bath-time goodies was greeted with Matt's kick ass New Year's meal of black eyed peas and rice, homemade cornbread and real deep-fried pork chops.  Oh yah!  Then we passed out on the couch from an overload of carbs, curled up under our couch-blankie and watched the rest of the Sci-Fi marathon of the Twilight Zone. There is nothing I love more in this world than being curled up with him and just "being". I finally pulled myself off the couch after several hours of napping, watching black-and-white aliens/end-of-the-world-scenarios/ghosts and managed to make some chocolate pecan bars...which we washed down with left over champagne. So far, 2009 has rocked and I have stayed true to my resolution...I am perfectly happy! :) 

May 2009 find you all in your "happy place" as often as possible!